Welcome to the season finale of America’s Next Great Talking Point, where the conservative agenda becomes America’s conventional wisdom. I’m your host, Chuck Norris. Tonight, America has spoken, and we award the black belt of spin to the best factoid for creating an instant and angry reaction in the conservative base—and to its most effective spokesperson. Before we find out how America voted, let’s take another quick look at yesterday’s performances from our final three contestants. Here was Rayworth Harriman Lowell, with his latest challenge to Obama’s nationality.
Rayworth: Look, even if he was born in Hawaii, I’ve seen secret evidence that Hawaiian statehood was never legally ratified! And confidential sources have seen his mother’s term paper expressing sympathy for Lili‘uokalani—part of the clever anti-imperialist conspiracy he inherited from his Kenyan father!
Norris: Let’s hear from our judges. Roger?
Roger Ailes: Is this even a great talking point? Frankly, I’m having trouble making myself believe it.
[Boos from the audience]
Ailes: No, really, it’s weak. The reality-based community is too large for this to work. Besides, if it is true, what does this say about our side? If we can’t keep an African socialist Nazi from faking his way to power, how can we ever elect another Reagan?
Peggy Noonan: You survived longer than I thought you could with this meme, especially since Dinesh D’Souza did his own riff on it, which you’re echoing brilliantly. But, in fairness, D’Souza’s considered somewhat of a a clown even by some conservatives.
Ann Coulter: Yeah, and he did that slut, Laura Ingraham.
[The studio audience sucks in its breath; some applause, more boos]
Norris: That’s enough, Ann. If National Review could can you, so can Fox. For our next finalist, we have Luger McGooch, with his newest interpretation of “Ground Zero mosque”:
Luger: This photo clearly shows taxis circling Ground Zero! And I have evidence that over one-third of these drivers—or should I say, chauffeurs—are Islamic! Our latest Rasmussen poll shows 60% of New Yorkers support restricted medallions for drivers from Islamic countries: No Manhattan travel south of Houston Street!
Coulter: I love this talking point, but it doesn’t go far enough. No medallions for any immigrants in New York!
Noonan: When the GOP takes Congress back, I expect them to impose this ban on Washington drivers from Muslim countries, as well.
Ailes: I don’t know, I suspect it’ll make it harder to get a cab uptown from Wall Street.
[Boos from audience]
Norris: Finally, Travis Whitwell, or should I call you “the Reverend” Travis Whitwell?
Travis: Well, yes, I’m proud to say last night, after the show, I managed to finish my associate degree in theology from the University of Phoenix online.
Norris: A great example of the education only the private sector can provide.
[Applause]
Norris: Let’s hear your latest spin on “don’t raise taxes on hardworking entrepreneurs.”
Travis: The so-called wealthy in this country, who really are just the hardest working members of the middle class, create most of the jobs, so raising their taxes in the middle of a recession is about the stupidest thing you could do right now.
[Loud applause]
Noonan: I know people like Paul Krugman will say the evidence weighs against your supply-side mantras, but, my goodness, Catholic voters will take your theories on faith despite all the evidence, if enough voices of authority repeat this point.
Ailes: I’ve heard from Rupert Murdoch personally how much he loves this point. I mean it transfers just as easily to any capitalist country.
Coulter: Always a winner with my crowd—and guaranteed to make girly-man liberals twist their panties in a knot.
Norris: Okay, those are a few of the highlights of last night’s show. Now, in just a few moments, we’ll find out how America voted. Remember: The voting is measured in dollars contributed by individual and corporate donors.
Ailes: Much like voting shares of common stock. The more you can buy, the greater your voice.
Coulter: As a constitutional lawyer, I’d just like to remind our audience: Contributions are what the Roberts Court means by “free speech.”
Norris: All contributions go to America’s Freedom First Foundation, a 501(c)(3) charity that supports private overseas rendition centers, far from socialist control, where our enemies learn the hard way what happens to bad guys who hate our freedoms. Our “contractors” find out about any ticking time bombs without so-called due process or individual rights.
Ailes: Some of the less hideous sessions will be filmed for another great Fox series: 24—The Real World.
Norris: Let me just issue this warning: Anybody who repeats the rumor that the Koch brothers are backing two different talking points, just to jack up the winning bid, will find out from me personally what it means to taste the fire of the dragon.
Ailes: They wouldn’t do that to jack up the winning bid. It’s sibling rivalry, pure and simple.
Norris: Before we see how America voted, let’s review some forgotten talking points from earlier this season. Remember lovely, blond Tiffany Heilstrom?
Tiffany [music indicates flashback]: The recession was caused by Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, Clinton’s conspiracy to give credit to unworthy people in risky neighborhoods.
Ailes: Tiffany, too many Fox execs—and Saudi royals—took a bath on FNMA. I’m afraid Rupert said no to letting this one even come to a vote.
Tiffany: No vote? What about democracy?
Coulter: As a constitutional lawyer, let me remind you: This is a republic, not a democracy.
[End flashback music]
Norris: Well, as you know, Tiffany’s baby-faced blonde looks have landed her a spot as a senior anchor on the Fox Business Channel.
[Wild applause]
Coulter: Suck on that, Erin Burnett!
Norris: How about this great talking point—
[Flashback music]
Prestwick Charlton, Jr.: Nancy Pelosi! I mean, Nancy Pelosi!
Ailes: Sorry, Prestwick, there just aren’t that many ways to say that, and she only represents queers in a communist foreign enclave. There isn’t enough name recognition.
Noonan: I don’t know, Roger, I mean—Nancy Pelosi!
Ailes: Peggy, I’m not loving it anymore.
[End flashback music]
Norris: Well, our nation has opened its wallets, and it’s time to reveal America’s next great talking point! The winner is …
[Camera focus on one finalist’s face, then the next]
Norris: … “Don’t raise taxes on hardworking entrepreneurs,” as delivered by Travis Whitwell!
[Wild applause, hugs among the three finalists]
Noonan: This is an epic moment for America!
Norris: Great delivery, Travis, and great choice of talking point.
Travis: Thanks, Chuck. I actually sympathize with many of the other talking points, but I realized that some of them might be ephemeral.
Norris: Can you put that a little simpler for the Tea Party crowd?
Travis: Sure. Those other spin points might not last for a whole season. But “cut the taxes on the rich” never gets old—for the rich. So I knew, if the show depended on how big a contribution you could glean from the likes of the Koch brothers—[Norris glowers at him]—I mean, from millions of hardworking small businessmen, clergy, and military officers, the “tax cut” theme would outlast all the others.
Ailes: I just got off the phone with Rupert, and he’s so delighted with how this turned out, he’s giving $1 million of Sean Hannity’s salary to America’s Freedom First Foundation in your name!
Norris: Congratulations, Travis. You have won a six-month unpaid internship with Andrew Breitbart’s organization, where you’ll meet all the right people and learn to say all the right things. Then you’ll do the talk-show circuit, beginning of course with 42 exclusive interviews in the various Fox-owned media. Next, we’ll slap your name on a ghostwritten book and buy up enough copies to get it on the New York Times Best Sellers list. And that’s just the beginning!
Travis: Thanks, Chuck! I can’t wait to meet Glenn Beck!
Ailes: Glenn just Tweeted that he’s crying like a baby.
Travis: And Bristol Palin!
Norris: So ends another season of America’s Next Great Talking Point. Tune in again after the election for the next competition!
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