DR. LAURA: Madonna, welcome to the program. Is that Madonna, like the pop singer?
MADONNA: Well, I am the pop singer.
DR. LAURA: [Pause.] I see. Well, how can I help you?
MADONNA: Well, Dr. Laura, heres the deal. Ive been getting into the Kabbala, as you may know, and since you converted to Judaism yourself, and since your mom was Italian
DR. LAURA: Lets just leave my mother out of this, okay?
MADONNA: Yes, well, okay, Im just so attracted to the Kabbala because of its relation to the occult and what it has to say about female sexuality, and I wanted to ask your advice because, you know, were kind of similar.
DR. LAURA: Similar? In what way?
MADONNA: Well, were both Italian, were both known as outspoken female media personalities, and weve both been unashamed of using our sensuality to get what we want in the entertainment biz.
DR. LAURA: Im sure I dont know what youre talking about.
MADONNA: Im talking about those wide-open photos you had taken by Bill Ballance. I mean, those were really hot! Great curves! When I saw them, I got so excited it made me want to
[sudden, unplanned station break]
DR. LAURA: Okay, Im Doctor Laura and were back, talking to Madonna. Now, listen, Madonna, my listeners would be disappointed if I failed to point out that I consider you a bit of a skank. But no need to thank me for that. What is your question for me today?
MADONNA: As you may know, Ive been studying Kabbala for the past few years. Its very punk rock! But Im not sure whether I should convert to Judaism or not. I know conversion was a wonderful experience for you. Can you talk about how enriching and empowering it is being Jewish?
DR. LAURA: Actually, I guess youre not a frequent listener, because Ive been reconsidering my attachment to Judaism over the past few years.
MADONNA: But arent you intrigued by the occult aspects of the Kabbala and the way it endorses womens superior spirituality?
DR. LAURA: No, Im more turned on by the Ten Commandments and the way they encourage our gracious submission to a Higher Power. And my advice for you, young lady, is to stop flaunting your body all over the world and spend more time with your kidlets. Remember them?
MADONNA: Oh, but little Lourdes and Rocco are always with me on tour and the movie sets. Why, Lourdes was even backstage at the MTV awards you know, where Britney and Cristina and I
DR. LAURA: Yes, we know what you did at the awards.
MADONNA: Im completely committed to being a role model for kids and teaching them about the occult power of the Kabbala. Thats why I wrote The English Roses so I could influence children in a spiritual way. Kind of like what you did with Wheres God? Perhaps youd like to add my kids books to Dr. Lauras Reading Corner.
DR. LAURA: I dont know if thats appropriate.
MADONNA: Ill cut you in for ten percent.
DR. LAURA: Hmmm, maybe we could work something out. Stay on the line when I let you go and talk to my producer. As far as converting goes: Keeping kosher and not touching light switches on the Sabbath and all that is just too much work. I say, stay Christian and just select the parts of Judaism that work for you. For me, that means the Ten Commandments. For you, Kabbala.
MADONNA: But what does God want?
DR. LAURA: God wants you to spend lots of time with those bunchkins of yours. Im Dr. Laura reminding you: Go do the right thing!
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Leaves of Oak © MMIV Lindsey D. Eck. All rights reserved.
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