Office of Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace.
Bardwell: Kin I hep y’all?
Princess Tiana: Yes, we’re here to obtain a marriage license.
Bardwell: A marriage license! But you colored. And he white.
Tiana: Yes, what does that matter?
Bardwell: Honey chile, I ain’t nevah married no interracial couples in dis heah parish. No way, nohow.
Prince Naveen: You can’t deny us! It’s the law.
Bardwell: In dis parish, I is de law. Now I ain’t got nuttin’ ’gainst coloreds, y’all unnastan. I’m jes tinkin’ ’bout de chillun. What kinda life dey gonna have growin’ up half and half?
Tiana: They’ll live happily ever after. After all, I’m a princess, and Naveen’s a prince. Our children will grow up in a palace!
Bardwell: Now, you listen heah, “princess.” De only royalty we reckonize in Tangipahoa Parish is de Imperial Wizard and de Knights of de White Camellia. De only part of a palace you evah gone see is de kitchen with de rest of de help. What you a princess of, anyway?
Tiana: I come from Disney’s Magic Kingdom.
Bardwell: Prove it.
Tiana: Prove it? How?
Bardwell: Sing “Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah.” Go on, sing!
Naveen: Listen, Judge Bardwell, this is the 21st century.
Bardwell: You in Lou’siana, boy. De clock done stop in 1860. Lemme see yo’ butt suhtifikit.
Naveen: You want to see my butt?
Bardwell: Yo’ B-I-R-T-H, butt suhtifikit.
Naveen: Well, I don’t actually have one.
Bardwell: Why not?
Tiana: You see, he used to be a frog.
Bardwell: I knew I done detect an accent. But we call ’em Cajuns around heah. Show a little respeck.
Tiana: No, I mean a real frog. An amphibian.
Naveen: I was cursed by a witch doctor.
Bardwell: See, dat’s just what I’m talkin’ about. Fust you got interracial marriage, next it’s gay marriage, putty soon it’s man on dog, or woman on frog, or …
Tiana: Aren’t you sworn to uphold the Constitution?
Bardwell: De Yankee federal constitution? My copy ain’t got no amendments aftuh numbuh 12. And dahlin’, we got heah in de state of Lou’siana what’s known as de Napoleonic Code. You see, now according to dat, I is yo’ intelletchual superiuh and you bein’ uppity. Dat’s de one principle of Dixie dat trumps all de udders: Know yo’ place.
Tiana: So, you won’t grant us a marriage license.
Bardwell: I done tole y’all dat already.
Naveen: What are we supposed to do?
Bardwell: Why don’t y’all follow all dem Katrina refugees west to Texas. Dey ain’t got no standards deyah.
Why I am not a liberal
Right-wing talking points that don’t walk the talk
“Leaves of Oak” © MMIX Lindsey D. Eck. All rights reserved.
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