10. Bulldoze 4 square miles of historic downtown and replace it with soulless AI-designed buildings so it can look just as boring as Austin
9. Restore the Confederate monument to the courthouse lawn
8. Release all inmates of FCI Bastrop convicted of 6 Jan. 2021 insurrection so they can serve as Elon’s private security detail
7. $100,000 taxpayer-financed feasibility study for a tunnel under the Colorado River, which will never get built
6. Full scholarship to the new (unaccredited) University of Austin for young Aryan women willing to bear Elon’s offspring
5. Round up people with Hispanic surnames, along with Richard Linklater, and relocate them to Caldwell County, a place nobody who matters cares about
4. Ketamine dispensary inside Buc-ees
3. Fasten transgender people to the hoods of Cybertrucks in 100° heat till it burns the queer out of them
2. Reopen coal mines north of town to fuel power plants supplying electricity for AI and crypto
1. City and county to be renamed X
Any move Harris makes could cost her the game, but move she must
Lyrics for a legend
“Leaves of Oak” © MMXXIV Lindsey D. Eck. All rights reserved. This article is obviously satire.
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