Vatican City—The Roman Catholic Church surprised many today by hiring newly available coaches Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky, recently let go from Penn State, for a soon-to-be-created NFL Europa team, dubbed the Inquisition. The league, which had disbanded in 2007, is to be revitalized with a new focus on pitting teams from countries with religious differences against each other. Other new teams include the Kosovo Jihad, the orthodox Greek Fire, and the Geneva Predestinators.
Said papal spokesman Fr. Giuseppe Priapo, “His Holiness felt that the availability of these renowned athletic trainers presented a unique opportunity to build the Vatican brand through competition in the growing sport of American football. We believe the values instilled by American sports are nearly identical to those espoused by the Holy Church, including obedience, male bonding, due respect for pageantry and costumes, and the discretion to know when to keep things hidden that the public might find upsetting.”
“American football culture, like that of the Roman church, prizes strength through hierarchy and fixed, traditional gender roles,” added basketball coach Sister John Paul Stefani. “And, with a genius like Joe Pa at the helm, the Inquisition will smash the Protestants in the teeth, crucify the Orthodox, and send those Kosovar Muslims right into the flames where they belong!”
In order to guard against the possibility of either man facing American justice due to alleged child sexual abuse and its coverup, the State of Vatican City has named both to diplomatic posts, guaranteeing them immunity from extradition.
Thousands of young Roman males, lately despondent at the downfall of Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi (and the end of his bunga bunga parties), took to the streets in riotous celebration. Many chanted a phrase that translates approximately as Stick it up the butt of the heretics! Meanwhile, in State College, Pennsylvania, thousands of overjoyed undergraduates flooded the business district near campus, smashing store windows, burning cars, and emptying kegs of Iron City beer. “Joe Pa rocks!” yelled business student Jack O’Callaghan just after shattering the windshield of a nearby Buick. “Thank you, Pope Benedict, for having more guts than our crappy administration. Go Penn State! Go Inquisition!”
Former cardinal Bernard Law, himself appointed to a Vatican post in the wake of widespread child sexual abuse on his watch in Boston, praised the move. “Joe Paterno—why, his integrity and fostering of young, strong manhood are so legendary he might as well be a priest himself. And why should the demonstrated hands-on talent of a coach like Jerry Sandusky be wasted in prison when he can continue his work in Rome where, just as in State College, we understand and appreciate methods of male-on-male education and tender mentoring that have flourished here since ancient times?” Law has proposed that Sandusky immediately take over athletic training at one of the Vatican’s orphanages for young boys. Sandusky reportedly demanded a personal shower stall—in marble, with gilded fixtures—as part of his benefits package, a rumor which the Vatican would neither confirm nor deny.
While the salaries of both men are believed to be lower here than at Penn State, there are lucrative perks, including a private pool with male nude statues from Renaissance masters for Sandusky along with his own young cupbearer, and a monument commissioned for the Lateran in which Christ sits at the right hand of God, Paterno at His left. Both men have also been appointed to a special committee created by the ultra-traditionalist pontiff to study whether opera needs the reintroduction of castrati, boy eunuchs whose crossdressing performances delighted popes and cardinals in centuries past. Paterno is reportedly in negotiations with Opus Dei to oversee the order’s flagellations and other brutal training intended to build manly Christian virtue.
Priapo noted that the hiring of Paterno and Sandusky would continue the trend set by Benedict of returning the church to its historical principles of patriarchy and reverence for authority while emphasizing the moral superiority of male leadership. “You won’t see a girl playing quarterback for the same reason you won’t see a woman ordained as a priest,” he said. “Weakness.”
The Vatican gift shop wasted no time in turning out bobbleheads resembling Paterno, Sandusky, and even Pope Benedict XVI wearing the new uniforms of the Inquisition. A line of athletic clothing in sizes down to (children’s) 6 will be available just in time for Christmas.
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This is satire and completely fictional. “Leaves of Oak” © MMXI Lindsey D. Eck. All rights reserved.
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