Welcome to the season finale of Americas Next Great Talking Point, where the conservative agenda becomes Americas conventional wisdom. Im your host, Chuck Norris. Tonight, America has spoken, and we award the black belt of spin to the best factoid for creating an instant and angry reaction in the conservative baseand to its most effective spokesperson. Before we find out how America voted, lets take another quick look at yesterdays performances from our final three contestants. Here was Rayworth Harriman Lowell, with his latest challenge to Obamas nationality.
Rayworth: Look, even if he was born in Hawaii, Ive seen secret evidence that Hawaiian statehood was never legally ratified! And confidential sources have seen his mothers term paper expressing sympathy for Liliuokalanipart of the clever anti-imperialist conspiracy he inherited from his Kenyan father!
Norris: Lets hear from our judges. Roger?
Roger Ailes: Is this even a great talking point? Frankly, Im having trouble making myself believe it.
[Boos from the audience]
Ailes: No, really, its weak. The reality-based community is too large for this to work. Besides, if it is true, what does this say about our side? If we cant keep an African socialist Nazi from faking his way to power, how can we ever elect another Reagan?
Peggy Noonan: You survived longer than I thought you could with this meme, especially since Dinesh DSouza did his own riff on it, which youre echoing brilliantly. But, in fairness, DSouzas considered somewhat of a a clown even by some conservatives.
Ann Coulter: Yeah, and he did that slut, Laura Ingraham.
[The studio audience sucks in its breath; some applause, more boos]
Norris: Thats enough, Ann. If National Review could can you, so can Fox. For our next finalist, we have Luger McGooch, with his newest interpretation of Ground Zero mosque:
Luger: This photo clearly shows taxis circling Ground Zero! And I have evidence that over one-third of these driversor should I say, chauffeursare Islamic! Our latest Rasmussen poll shows 60% of New Yorkers support restricted medallions for drivers from Islamic countries: No Manhattan travel south of Houston Street!
Coulter: I love this talking point, but it doesnt go far enough. No medallions for any immigrants in New York!
Noonan: When the GOP takes Congress back, I expect them to impose this ban on Washington drivers from Muslim countries, as well.
Ailes: I dont know, I suspect itll make it harder to get a cab uptown from Wall Street.
[Boos from audience]
Norris: Finally, Travis Whitwell, or should I call you the Reverend Travis Whitwell?
Travis: Well, yes, Im proud to say last night, after the show, I managed to finish my associate degree in theology from the University of Phoenix online.
Norris: A great example of the education only the private sector can provide.
Norris: Lets hear your latest spin on dont raise taxes on hardworking entrepreneurs.
Travis: The so-called wealthy in this country, who really are just the hardest working members of the middle class, create most of the jobs, so raising their taxes in the middle of a recession is about the stupidest thing you could do right now.
Noonan: I know people like Paul Krugman will say the evidence weighs against your supply-side mantras, but, my goodness, Catholic voters will take your theories on faith despite all the evidence, if enough voices of authority repeat this point.
Ailes: Ive heard from Rupert Murdoch personally how much he loves this point. I mean it transfers just as easily to any capitalist country.
Coulter: Always a winner with my crowdand guaranteed to make girly-man liberals twist their panties in a knot.
Norris: Okay, those are a few of the highlights of last nights show. Now, in just a few moments, well find out how America voted. Remember: The voting is measured in dollars contributed by individual and corporate donors.
Ailes: Much like voting shares of common stock. The more you can buy, the greater your voice.
Coulter: As a constitutional lawyer, Id just like to remind our audience: Contributions are what the Roberts Court means by free speech.
Norris: All contributions go to Americas Freedom First Foundation, a 501(c)(3) charity that supports private overseas rendition centers, far from socialist control, where our enemies learn the hard way what happens to bad guys who hate our freedoms. Our contractors find out about any ticking time bombs without so-called due process or individual rights.
Ailes: Some of the less hideous sessions will be filmed for another great Fox series: 24The Real World.
Norris: Let me just issue this warning: Anybody who repeats the rumor that the Koch brothers are backing two different talking points, just to jack up the winning bid, will find out from me personally what it means to taste the fire of the dragon.
Ailes: They wouldnt do that to jack up the winning bid. Its sibling rivalry, pure and simple.
Norris: Before we see how America voted, lets review some forgotten talking points from earlier this season. Remember lovely, blond Tiffany Heilstrom?
Tiffany [music indicates flashback]: The recession was caused by Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, Clintons conspiracy to give credit to unworthy people in risky neighborhoods.
Ailes: Tiffany, too many Fox execsand Saudi royalstook a bath on FNMA. Im afraid Rupert said no to letting this one even come to a vote.
Tiffany: No vote? What about democracy?
Coulter: As a constitutional lawyer, let me remind you: This is a republic, not a democracy.
[End flashback music]
Norris: Well, as you know, Tiffanys baby-faced blonde looks have landed her a spot as a senior anchor on the Fox Business Channel.
Coulter: Suck on that, Erin Burnett!
Norris: How about this great talking point
Prestwick Charlton, Jr.: Nancy Pelosi! I mean, Nancy Pelosi!
Ailes: Sorry, Prestwick, there just arent that many ways to say that, and she only represents queers in a communist foreign enclave. There isnt enough name recognition.
Noonan: I dont know, Roger, I meanNancy Pelosi!
Ailes: Peggy, Im not loving it anymore.
[End flashback music]
Norris: Well, our nation has opened its wallets, and its time to reveal Americas next great talking point! The winner is
[Camera focus on one finalists face, then the next]
Norris: Dont raise taxes on hardworking entrepreneurs, as delivered by Travis Whitwell!
[Wild applause, hugs among the three finalists]
Noonan: This is an epic moment for America!
Norris: Great delivery, Travis, and great choice of talking point.
Travis: Thanks, Chuck. I actually sympathize with many of the other talking points, but I realized that some of them might be ephemeral.
Norris: Can you put that a little simpler for the Tea Party crowd?
Travis: Sure. Those other spin points might not last for a whole season. But cut the taxes on the rich never gets oldfor the rich. So I knew, if the show depended on how big a contribution you could glean from the likes of the Koch brothers[Norris glowers at him]I mean, from millions of hardworking small businessmen, clergy, and military officers, the tax cut theme would outlast all the others.
Ailes: I just got off the phone with Rupert, and hes so delighted with how this turned out, hes giving $1 million of Sean Hannitys salary to Americas Freedom First Foundation in your name!
Norris: Congratulations, Travis. You have won a six-month unpaid internship with Andrew Breitbarts organization, where youll meet all the right people and learn to say all the right things. Then youll do the talk-show circuit, beginning of course with 42 exclusive interviews in the various Fox-owned media. Next, well slap your name on a ghostwritten book and buy up enough copies to get it on the New York Times Best Sellers list. And thats just the beginning!
Travis: Thanks, Chuck! I cant wait to meet Glenn Beck!
Ailes: Glenn just Tweeted that hes crying like a baby.
Travis: And Bristol Palin!
Norris: So ends another season of Americas Next Great Talking Point. Tune in again after the election for the next competition!
Leaves of Oak © MMX Lindsey D. Eck. All rights reserved.
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